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- It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn't take any to just sit there with a dumb look on your face
- Everyone has the power to make others happy. Some do it by entering the room, others by leaving it.
- My opinions have changed, but not the fact that I'm right
- Support Cannibalism-- Eat Me!
- I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own
- Turn right...no, turn left...no, turn straight!
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- Cats are smarter than dogs. You cannot get eight cats to pull a sled through snow
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on
- Sure, everyone wants to save the whales, but not one voice is raised on behalf of the plankton
- The sign said "Week old Donuts". They weren't weak old donuts. They were strong old donuts. They made
holes in the floor when I dropped them
- I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
- What makes Teflon stick to the pan?
- Arachibutyrophobia: fear of peanut butter sticking to roof of mouth
- Inviting people to laughwith you when you're laughing at yourself is a good thing to do. You may be the fool, but
you're the fool in charge
- "To do is to be"- Socrates, "To be is to do"- Plato, "Do be do be do"- Sinatra
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- People who point at their wrist while asking for the time really bug me. I know where my watch is buddy, where's
yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
- If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- What color does a smurf turn if you choke it?
- T.S. Eliot is an anagram of toilets :)
- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
- What do you call a Kraft food plant in Israel? Cheeses of Nazareth
- If your nose runs and your feet smell, brother you're built upside down
- Why do ducks have flat feet? From jumping out of trees putting out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat
feet? From jumping out of trees, putting out burning ducks
- Some of us learn from the mistakes of others. The rest of us have to be the others.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
- If we weren't meant to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three to a can
- Sears says Kenmore appliances are found in one out of two homes in America. I wonder which two homes they took the
survey at.
- A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the old west, slides up to the bar, and says "I'm looking for the man who shot
my paw"
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